two jobs

two jobs.

for one, i wake up extra early, make some coffee and get started on my inspiration for the event. i sing "the love boat" theme while i'm in the shower and dance around humming "love is in the air" while getting ready. there is a moment to play with the kitty. an opportunity to sing with the birdie. and viola! i'm ready early--early enough to get in some more inspiration and write this blog post before i kiss my guy and practically skip out the door.

for the second job, i bury my head under the covers when my alarm goes off and cry out loud, "no, i don't wanna go." i hide till the very last acceptable second before slinking out of bed. i get ready in the dark, forget things and run late every day.

hmmmm. i wonder which job is which?

confession of a photographer...

when you ask me to photograph your event or create your portrait, there is something that happens behind the scenes that you probably don't realize.

a person can say anything, but their body language and facial expressions can rarely hold up a poker face for a whole portrait session or 12 hour wedding day. sooner or later, your photographer is going to get you to crack and catch that personality, that light that is your individuality. those are the photos that you're going to giggle over and love. that's our job--to capture the "real" you and reflect it back.

you probably get that and are right now saying, "exactly! that's why i hired you!" well, not only do we work during our sessions to get you to show us that spark, but your photographer spends hours editing and discovering your many expressions... we learn every line, every freckle, every movement... of YOU. we spend a little time with you and then we bring you into our offices, our living rooms, our special work spots and we extract the best photos... we find your wedding day joy, your unabashed parade enthusiasm, your job or hobby passions, your love and pride in your family.

i've always said that editing is a very personal activity. i've tried to explain to people just how well i feel i know a bride after one full day and night with her, even though i would barely recognize her in street clothes. photos are personal--more personal than i ever anticipated. not only do i see the good ones, i also see those goofy faces that you want me to delete. that's not a bad thing--that is my job and you rely on my tact, as well as my taste. but frankly, i get to know you better than either of us expected.

today, i learned that someone i met only twice, and photographed both times, passed away unexpectedly.

i had no idea it would feel like this. i have to keep reminding myself that i didn't really know him. but it FEELS like i did. i have more than 4 hours of shots of him when he knew i was photographing him...  and when he forgot i was photographing him. i spent hours looking at his face to find the pictures that reflected what i believe you can only recognize by intuition and experience as the highlights of someone's personality. i still have a few photos of him that i haven't edited.

and now, he's gone.

i didn't expect this deep sorrow. it has caught me completely off guard. most immediately his passing has reminded me to live in the now, without regrets, and to stop postponing things that are important to me.

but, it also has reminded me that photography is my gift to you and yours, and i offer it with tremendous respect.

when things sneak up...

i was looking for a pic when i stumbled upon this.

this was the last photo that i took of maxfield parrish before i had no choice but to release him from our world. it's a sad and profound photo for me, and it caught me off guard.

he was a graceful and loyal companion who never left my side even when i thought everyone and everything else had abandoned me. he watched me cocoon and emerge as someone entirely different, and yet, very much the same.

i remember holding him that last day and hoping that i had done everything i could and that i'd never let him down.

he was more than just a cat that meowed constantly, loved mozzarella cheese, and tolerated that santa hat for the christmas picture.

it's been three years and he is still more than just a cat.

the hourglass

i ponder the people

 in the afternoon frenzy,

they dash down the sidewalk-

 bumping into each other,

too much in a hurry

 to murmur polite pardons. 

sensing the grains of the hourglass,

 they quicken their pace,

while the rush of their blood

 hastens as deadlines grow closer.

but what will they feel

 when the realization strikes

that these grains, 

that are finite and precious,

     are few?

what of the deadlines,

 so faithfully kept,

 when there will be

  no more giddy children to delight in,

  no more passionate embraces,

  no more spring picnics to share with a friend,

  no more sunday afternoons graced by

   wind chimes and hummingbirds?

what of these deadlines then?

the sand flows

 unheeded by regrets ...

what more is a lifetime

 than a minute too short?

         .... kymberlie birkenkamp

ticklish lies...

whether or not we heed our intuition, we know when we are being fooled. 

it is late, but upon request... here is one more from the archives. 

endearment...

pillow talk slides off satin sheets

 but the heavy words you whispered

 are treasured amulets of love

 lain around my neck

 with delicate kisses, that 

 hover near my heart 

 still.

the hue of you

until the late 90's, i wrote a lot of poetry. i was lucky enough to have several pieces published, and even had the opportunity to read for the college--something that i found terrifying! it took a lot more work to get your work out there back just before the birth of the internet, even though it was easier than the generation before. :)

i'm not exactly sure when i stopped writing poetry, but i switched to writing papers, feature articles and blogging.

recently, i met someone who writes and i revisited my own work. it's been a long time and i have stacks and stacks of hand written notes and old matrix printer scraps mixed in a file with magazine clippings. i am reminded of an entire lifetime that i'd quietly filed away.

here is a little something i found....

the hue of you

a thousand colors in my world
and i am struck by the blue of you,
the one unattainable hue,
just beyond my reach.
lighter than midday skies,
deeper than the seas,
richer than the cornflower,
violent as a thunder cloud.
you swiftly root
before the sunrise,
in a moment
of the magic hour,
then gone as the golden globe
stretches to caress my hair.
i am left wanting,
as i softly drift into
a fresh memory of you.

resignation

first, i need to say that i am grateful and appreciate the kindness that has been shown to me. i've met some amazing and wonderful people who have evolved into amazing friends.

however, dating is exhausting. i've been an eternal optimist for years... always a cheerleader, always trying to be understood and understanding, always trying to give as much as requested. always with the always.

it's a drag when you get nothing back, or better yet, the break-up. ugh.

i've got a lot to offer. i'm a helluva catch. i have no doubt. i also have no doubt that i've pretty much scoured the city of st. louis and the surrounding areas to no avail. i've always put on my best face, been the best that i can be.... and the big brass ring that i keep getting is the one over the exit sign.

i actually got so angry recently that i resorted to name calling. the very last thing i said to this man ended with me calling him a dumb ass. trust me, it was certainly warranted, but that's not me. i'm not a name caller.

this incident bothers me quite a bit. it isn't the first time that i've lost my temper. in fact, several recent connections have ended due to the gentleman of my affection being on the online dating sites when i was under the impression or had been told that we were either exclusive or into each other.

something about a guy that i'm into going off and looking around online for any reason, whatever the reason, sends me right over the edge. ugh. no matter how hard i try to contain my anger, i eventually lose it. maybe it keeps happening because i need to have a different reaction.

but, what should that be? i just don't know what the appropriate reaction is to that. the only thing i can think of is to have no reaction. i'm not sure how the hell to achieve that because as of yet, i've not heard of an effective way to cap a pissed off volcano.

exhaustion. acceptance. just plain old giving up. that's what i've resorted to. one of my ex-bfs told me that if i was interested in other guys then that was fine, he wouldn't want me if i was. interestingly, he was the one who wandered off.... but, i digress.

he had a good point.

i take it personally--a judgement and the worst kind. i shouldn't and i can take a lot, but this is my achilles heel. some things are ok with me--women who are unaccessible... like women in magazines. oh, knock yourself out! but, someone you can talk with? nope. that's the line... and men are crossing it in herds. HERDS.

oooh i sounds whiny. well. i am tired.

but, i think my point is that dating is hard, in your forties or at any age. i'm so happy for my friends who have found love... that's just huge and incredibly exciting. let me assure you... it probably was not easy.

i think i just need a break... that and it'd be really nice if we could all be just a little nicer to each other. i'm really sorry that i called you a name, dude who will never read this. it wasn't nice and i feel awful about it. but, it would have been really great if you had been nice and not.... well.... a textbook dumb ass.