mahem in the month of may...

the last time i posted, i thought my life was crazy. HA! the universe seems to have some ridiculous sense of humour because apparently i did not have the slightest clue how nutso things could be.

and, i will think twice before i dare sing "oh, woe is me" ever again. HA!

let me merely say that the month of may involved my mom being rushed to the hospital, disturbing things people do to themselves, more disturbing things people do to people that they care about, a near breaking point number of commitments, fabulous opportunities, and the most unexpected and wonderful person bringing on one of the darkest nights, and at the same time, being the coup de ville at the bottom of a cracker jack box. oh yeah, that's a meat loaf reference. you read that right.

you just never know what a day will bring.

so here i am at the end of the month reflecting on what i've learned, digging myself out from under a heap of photos and catching up on missed sleep.

i think a little more distance will give me clarity. but, i know that i am a very strong woman with a very high tolerance for many things. however, i did find my breaking point this month and even when i was absolutely sure i was going to turn into one of those people you hear about on the morning news, i managed to keep my extreme emotions as in control as anyone could ask.

and, i turned to my friends. i gave myself the okay to call in favours, beg for shoulders to cry on and hands to hold. you know what? they were there. every single, magnificent one of them was there.

how lucky am i? how insanely and spectacularly lucky am i?!? i have the best friends a person could ever ask for and i appreciate them. i will certainly never forget the impromptu calls for company, late evening rants, the hugs and gentle nudges. i hope that when they need me, i will be as much a support for them as they have been for me. i know that i will do my best.

i occasionally find myself awake in the early morning hours wondering if maybe i've made too many mistakes. i've never had children, i've divorced and i have little family and a strained relationship at best with my mother. in the early morning hours, i hear her voice asking me what am i going to do without anyone to take care of me? and then, i feel horribly broken and alone.

but, i am not alone. not by a long shot. not by a mile. maybe that's what i learned this month. i learned that it's okay to reach out and ask for help. i learned that my family is wide and diverse. and, i learned that i can still trust and take chances.

i may be a bit dinged up and weary, but no, i am not broken or alone.

first comes love, then comes running mascara....

i've been charging through life for the past month like a tsunami of positivity.

but, faking it till you make it is freaking exhausting.

love sucks. it sucks like nothing else. absolutely nothing can rock your world and rip you apart like having your trust and best efforts thrown from a car window at eighty miles an hour.

so. in the middle of my most recent tidal wave of grief, i stopped and decided to turn it into art. it was a lovely distraction from feeling the pain.

first comes love, then comes running mascara.