resignation

first, i need to say that i am grateful and appreciate the kindness that has been shown to me. i've met some amazing and wonderful people who have evolved into amazing friends.

however, dating is exhausting. i've been an eternal optimist for years... always a cheerleader, always trying to be understood and understanding, always trying to give as much as requested. always with the always.

it's a drag when you get nothing back, or better yet, the break-up. ugh.

i've got a lot to offer. i'm a helluva catch. i have no doubt. i also have no doubt that i've pretty much scoured the city of st. louis and the surrounding areas to no avail. i've always put on my best face, been the best that i can be.... and the big brass ring that i keep getting is the one over the exit sign.

i actually got so angry recently that i resorted to name calling. the very last thing i said to this man ended with me calling him a dumb ass. trust me, it was certainly warranted, but that's not me. i'm not a name caller.

this incident bothers me quite a bit. it isn't the first time that i've lost my temper. in fact, several recent connections have ended due to the gentleman of my affection being on the online dating sites when i was under the impression or had been told that we were either exclusive or into each other.

something about a guy that i'm into going off and looking around online for any reason, whatever the reason, sends me right over the edge. ugh. no matter how hard i try to contain my anger, i eventually lose it. maybe it keeps happening because i need to have a different reaction.

but, what should that be? i just don't know what the appropriate reaction is to that. the only thing i can think of is to have no reaction. i'm not sure how the hell to achieve that because as of yet, i've not heard of an effective way to cap a pissed off volcano.

exhaustion. acceptance. just plain old giving up. that's what i've resorted to. one of my ex-bfs told me that if i was interested in other guys then that was fine, he wouldn't want me if i was. interestingly, he was the one who wandered off.... but, i digress.

he had a good point.

i take it personally--a judgement and the worst kind. i shouldn't and i can take a lot, but this is my achilles heel. some things are ok with me--women who are unaccessible... like women in magazines. oh, knock yourself out! but, someone you can talk with? nope. that's the line... and men are crossing it in herds. HERDS.

oooh i sounds whiny. well. i am tired.

but, i think my point is that dating is hard, in your forties or at any age. i'm so happy for my friends who have found love... that's just huge and incredibly exciting. let me assure you... it probably was not easy.

i think i just need a break... that and it'd be really nice if we could all be just a little nicer to each other. i'm really sorry that i called you a name, dude who will never read this. it wasn't nice and i feel awful about it. but, it would have been really great if you had been nice and not.... well.... a textbook dumb ass.