when things sneak up...

i was looking for a pic when i stumbled upon this.

this was the last photo that i took of maxfield parrish before i had no choice but to release him from our world. it's a sad and profound photo for me, and it caught me off guard.

he was a graceful and loyal companion who never left my side even when i thought everyone and everything else had abandoned me. he watched me cocoon and emerge as someone entirely different, and yet, very much the same.

i remember holding him that last day and hoping that i had done everything i could and that i'd never let him down.

he was more than just a cat that meowed constantly, loved mozzarella cheese, and tolerated that santa hat for the christmas picture.

it's been three years and he is still more than just a cat.

the hourglass

i ponder the people

 in the afternoon frenzy,

they dash down the sidewalk-

 bumping into each other,

too much in a hurry

 to murmur polite pardons. 

sensing the grains of the hourglass,

 they quicken their pace,

while the rush of their blood

 hastens as deadlines grow closer.

but what will they feel

 when the realization strikes

that these grains, 

that are finite and precious,

     are few?

what of the deadlines,

 so faithfully kept,

 when there will be

  no more giddy children to delight in,

  no more passionate embraces,

  no more spring picnics to share with a friend,

  no more sunday afternoons graced by

   wind chimes and hummingbirds?

what of these deadlines then?

the sand flows

 unheeded by regrets ...

what more is a lifetime

 than a minute too short?

         .... kymberlie birkenkamp

ticklish lies...

whether or not we heed our intuition, we know when we are being fooled. 

it is late, but upon request... here is one more from the archives. 

endearment...

pillow talk slides off satin sheets

 but the heavy words you whispered

 are treasured amulets of love

 lain around my neck

 with delicate kisses, that 

 hover near my heart 

 still.

the hue of you

until the late 90's, i wrote a lot of poetry. i was lucky enough to have several pieces published, and even had the opportunity to read for the college--something that i found terrifying! it took a lot more work to get your work out there back just before the birth of the internet, even though it was easier than the generation before. :)

i'm not exactly sure when i stopped writing poetry, but i switched to writing papers, feature articles and blogging.

recently, i met someone who writes and i revisited my own work. it's been a long time and i have stacks and stacks of hand written notes and old matrix printer scraps mixed in a file with magazine clippings. i am reminded of an entire lifetime that i'd quietly filed away.

here is a little something i found....

the hue of you

a thousand colors in my world
and i am struck by the blue of you,
the one unattainable hue,
just beyond my reach.
lighter than midday skies,
deeper than the seas,
richer than the cornflower,
violent as a thunder cloud.
you swiftly root
before the sunrise,
in a moment
of the magic hour,
then gone as the golden globe
stretches to caress my hair.
i am left wanting,
as i softly drift into
a fresh memory of you.

resignation

first, i need to say that i am grateful and appreciate the kindness that has been shown to me. i've met some amazing and wonderful people who have evolved into amazing friends.

however, dating is exhausting. i've been an eternal optimist for years... always a cheerleader, always trying to be understood and understanding, always trying to give as much as requested. always with the always.

it's a drag when you get nothing back, or better yet, the break-up. ugh.

i've got a lot to offer. i'm a helluva catch. i have no doubt. i also have no doubt that i've pretty much scoured the city of st. louis and the surrounding areas to no avail. i've always put on my best face, been the best that i can be.... and the big brass ring that i keep getting is the one over the exit sign.

i actually got so angry recently that i resorted to name calling. the very last thing i said to this man ended with me calling him a dumb ass. trust me, it was certainly warranted, but that's not me. i'm not a name caller.

this incident bothers me quite a bit. it isn't the first time that i've lost my temper. in fact, several recent connections have ended due to the gentleman of my affection being on the online dating sites when i was under the impression or had been told that we were either exclusive or into each other.

something about a guy that i'm into going off and looking around online for any reason, whatever the reason, sends me right over the edge. ugh. no matter how hard i try to contain my anger, i eventually lose it. maybe it keeps happening because i need to have a different reaction.

but, what should that be? i just don't know what the appropriate reaction is to that. the only thing i can think of is to have no reaction. i'm not sure how the hell to achieve that because as of yet, i've not heard of an effective way to cap a pissed off volcano.

exhaustion. acceptance. just plain old giving up. that's what i've resorted to. one of my ex-bfs told me that if i was interested in other guys then that was fine, he wouldn't want me if i was. interestingly, he was the one who wandered off.... but, i digress.

he had a good point.

i take it personally--a judgement and the worst kind. i shouldn't and i can take a lot, but this is my achilles heel. some things are ok with me--women who are unaccessible... like women in magazines. oh, knock yourself out! but, someone you can talk with? nope. that's the line... and men are crossing it in herds. HERDS.

oooh i sounds whiny. well. i am tired.

but, i think my point is that dating is hard, in your forties or at any age. i'm so happy for my friends who have found love... that's just huge and incredibly exciting. let me assure you... it probably was not easy.

i think i just need a break... that and it'd be really nice if we could all be just a little nicer to each other. i'm really sorry that i called you a name, dude who will never read this. it wasn't nice and i feel awful about it. but, it would have been really great if you had been nice and not.... well.... a textbook dumb ass.

another horoscope...

i like reading my horoscope. i don't plan my day by it, but i find it sometimes inspirational.

home sick today, i found myself staring out the window contemplating this particular horoscope. i have no idea what it means, but it got me thinking about the goals i had for 2011. i know better than to sit around hoping that the big change i want to happen will just fall in my lap. that's why it hasn't happened yet. i've not been on my game and i've been half-assing it.

instead of watching horrible weekday tv, i sat with a notebook and doodled a plan. i've mapped out my winter, and come spring, i hope to emerge from my den significantly closer to achieving my goal. (a goal is a dream with a deadline--a fortune cookie once told me.)

it's amazing how fast hours... days....weeks pass--time gets away from me. i said at the beginning of this year that this would be the year i turned the corner and made misfit hue my primary job. well, it wasn't. i was distracted with a whole mess of personal crap. i feel stronger now, but it was an exhausting year and i'm still easily distracted by shining things.

is there nothing left to do but accept this year as a failure? it wasn't exactly failure... it just wasn't what i had intended. the lessons i learned weren't the ones that i had hoped i would.

but, i'm not giving up. baby steps up the mountain--and i'm NOT looking back.

"To understand the shift occurring today, you must look at events from a lofty perspective. A slow liberation process is gathering momentum. Over the next few months you won't refuse an opportunity to rid yourself of an oppressive part of your past. You'll shed your old complexes and emerge renewed. Don't be alarmed if family relations suffer a bit. The distress is only temporary."

well, color me happy!

"Welcome to Hollywood! What's your dream? Everybody comes here; this is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some dreams come true, some don't; but keep on dreamin' - this is Hollywood. Always time to dream, so keep on dreamin'."


my movie: pretty woman.


ahhh, chick flick, you may say. yeah. big time. i know. 


to me, it is much more. i see the person i strive to be--who gets what she wants by being herself.


nahhhh, not cinder-fuckin-rella, as Kit would say. 


i see a much bigger and different message. the outside of the movie is cinderella. bad girl makes good. prince whisks her off to the chartered plane bliss. 


that's not what i see and it isn't what i want.


i had a conversation the other day that got me thinking about what i do want from a relationship and i thought about Julia Roberts using a safety pin to hook up her boots and offering a buffet of various condoms. that's me. "I'm a safety girl." :) i could quote this movie till i drive you crazy. so, i'll stop now. 


back to the conversation and my connection to hollywood. i dig chick flicks. i'm a pathetic, hopeless romantic. utterly lost to it. i get weepy over everything, and if a man can't tear up at the end of breakfast at tiffany's well, hell, that's just cold.


but, this is about about miss vivian and edward. what i love about their story is that she wasn't looking for him. he was work. she had her own thing. it was bedraggled and dangerous and one rent payment away from falling apart, but it was hers. he wasn't looking for her either, but together, they were a little better for knowing each other--a real give and take. and let's face it, that scene on the piano? that's just stupid hot.


she had dreams of her own. she'd seen them fall apart. she knew her weaknesses and strengths. she had a bit of a plan. she hadn't given up. she was strong and smart and sexy. and, damn it, she wasn't crying in her vodka over her losses. 


i want to be her. i am my own personal version of her. my crazy, quilt work life is like hers... minus the pimps and johns. but, dude, i've been right there on the edge. i haven't and i won't give up. 


i also like that despite her line of work and what the ladies in the clothes shop thought of her, she had class. she could do anything and she was willing to work to get it--but she NEVER stopped being vivian. i love the character's flexibility and how she embraces change and growth. dress her any way you like, giveth and taketh away... she is still vivian. 


and she tells edward what she wants. no games. she is always honest with him. she allows herself to get hurt. 


and most importantly, she doesn't settle or compromise her values. she walks away.she takes what she has learned and earned and walks away.


i'm sorry, but that is a valuable lesson. 


and what about edward? well, he's all that and a bag of chips. we are talking about richard gere here... but he listens to her and opens up to her. he doesn't judge her or dismiss her. instead, he gives her some guide posts to his new and different world. he's broken, just like her--just like all of us. he's a force to be reckoned with, a man who knows himself, but who knows there is more and is willing to try... still willing to take risks.


imagine that, two adults.


of course, it's hollywood, so there is a happy ending. i'm okay with it though because there is one more little lesson that i think sealed the deal for me.


edward climbs that fire escape to "rescue" the princess, and when he does,  he asks what happens now?


she says, "she rescues him right back."


amen, sister! everybody deserves to be rescued and it feels just as good to do the rescuing as it does to be rescued.


so, is it a chick flick? oh def, and i'm crying like a baby at the end.. every single time.


but, it's not a fairy tale to be a strong, independent woman who is caring, beautiful and willing to take risks to get what she wants.


dude, that's me.


http://youtu.be/LGPbvOirz8I