there is only now...

there is no perfect time, no perfect plan.

a perfect time to fall in love does not exist. a perfect time for a career will not come. the perfect time for children is not a schedule-able event. the perfect time to sit on the porch and stare at the moon is now.

now is the best time to discover and use your talents, to tell someone that they are a most amazing person, to look into a child's eyes and know unconditional love.

a good friend lost his wife and best friend last night. they learned she was sick one week ago.

i don't have children and i know that they say losing a child is unlike any grief i could know.

but i know love. i know the complicated weave of a life with someone who is part of a full and joyful heart.

i have written this many times: life is not a dress rehearsal.

there is only now.

no regrets...

no regrets. absolutely. put it on my headstone, i've lived the dream of my beliefs.

but if i die today, that absolutely is no longer true.

several years ago, i ran into a friend from high school and after talking for a while, she asked, "what happened to you?"

"what do you mean?" i asked.

"you used to take risks and go places... places the rest of us were afraid to go," she said. "you had the balls in the group--no fear. what happened?"

i was shocked. me? what balls?

"i'm terrified of everything," i laughed. "who the hell do you think you're talking to?"

and then she reminded me. she reminded of the stunts i pulled in high school--lots of them that i'd conveniently forgotten. i vaguely remembered this person, but it'd been a long, long time since i took a single risk.

a few years after this conversation, i took a huge risk. i turned my back on everything and struck out on my own.

now this little stunt has had varying degrees of success, but the one thing that has been consistent, has been my growth. i've learned so much about myself, tried new things and popped out a lot of dents. i've worked really, really hard and i'm very proud of who i am today.

i've never forgotten what my friend said to me, and early in this new adventure, i developed a mantra of no regrets. i would do my best and i would live with the consequences whatever they may be, good or bad.

no regrets. those little words are huge. on more than one occasion, i have recited them to give myself strength. i have thanked my conviction for the positive outcomes, and sometimes, i have grit my teeth and chanted those words through tears.

mostly, i've thought things through, sometimes i've gone by instinct, but rarely have i been rash.

so, this is a first. the first time that i can honestly say i truly regret something that i've done. if i could go back in time, i'd do it differently. that was not who i am. i want a redo, but life seems to be fresh out of them this month.

so, here i am in my new life, one that was no easy task to build and one that is not finished by any means. it's full of many wonderful people and experiences and lessons... and now, it also has regret. the only thing i can do is accept it, accept the lesson, regardless of how bitter it may be.

so, i'll look both ways before i cross, and take my risks as they come.
no regrets, my friends. no regrets, save one.

day dreams swept under the rug...

i have a few goals and dreams. i'm no different than anyone in that regard, and i can be ruthlessly practical about them.

i have one dream that i will not divulge, that i can barely even acknowledge in the light of day. it is so unlikely and so close to my heart that if i go after it and it doesn't work... well, it would be the most painful of all the disappointments and brokenhearted moments.

i'm certain that i'm not the only person with a dream like that, and whenever i see someone who is hurt and suffering, i hope that their pain is not from losing that one secret dream.

life is hard and we are not kind enough to each other, in my opinion. i hope that in the scheme of things, i've helped more than i've hurt, and that if i can, i can help someone reach that secret dream.

we all just want to be happy after all.

tornadoes in town...

this post was written on 4/29. i got distracted and forgot to post it. 

a tornado hit this town last week. i heard the sirens and went out into it anyway. i had a show that i wanted to shoot and i'm not afraid of weather.

our airport was hit and a few neighborhoods in the northwest. i heard about it on the radio, but was too busy for tv or newspapers, so i saw no photos or footage.

monday morning on my drive to work, i kept an eye for airport and was not surprised as i drove past to see the twisted signs and boarded up windows.

what i did not expect was coming upon trees snapped like popsickles sticks, neighborhoods of patchwork blue tarps, and businesses overturned like a lego village knocked off the display table. i veered dangerously close to the other lane.

what i saw affected me and my heart went out to the people who must have still been in shock. that last 10 minutes to work were tough.

as friday dawned full of warmth and promise, i was pleased to put on a service international t-shirt and lend a hand. i was amazed by the amount of people who gathered to help strangers and neighbors. the spirit was quite high among the volunteers and homeowners... and there was a lot of love.

mahem in the month of may...

the last time i posted, i thought my life was crazy. HA! the universe seems to have some ridiculous sense of humour because apparently i did not have the slightest clue how nutso things could be.

and, i will think twice before i dare sing "oh, woe is me" ever again. HA!

let me merely say that the month of may involved my mom being rushed to the hospital, disturbing things people do to themselves, more disturbing things people do to people that they care about, a near breaking point number of commitments, fabulous opportunities, and the most unexpected and wonderful person bringing on one of the darkest nights, and at the same time, being the coup de ville at the bottom of a cracker jack box. oh yeah, that's a meat loaf reference. you read that right.

you just never know what a day will bring.

so here i am at the end of the month reflecting on what i've learned, digging myself out from under a heap of photos and catching up on missed sleep.

i think a little more distance will give me clarity. but, i know that i am a very strong woman with a very high tolerance for many things. however, i did find my breaking point this month and even when i was absolutely sure i was going to turn into one of those people you hear about on the morning news, i managed to keep my extreme emotions as in control as anyone could ask.

and, i turned to my friends. i gave myself the okay to call in favours, beg for shoulders to cry on and hands to hold. you know what? they were there. every single, magnificent one of them was there.

how lucky am i? how insanely and spectacularly lucky am i?!? i have the best friends a person could ever ask for and i appreciate them. i will certainly never forget the impromptu calls for company, late evening rants, the hugs and gentle nudges. i hope that when they need me, i will be as much a support for them as they have been for me. i know that i will do my best.

i occasionally find myself awake in the early morning hours wondering if maybe i've made too many mistakes. i've never had children, i've divorced and i have little family and a strained relationship at best with my mother. in the early morning hours, i hear her voice asking me what am i going to do without anyone to take care of me? and then, i feel horribly broken and alone.

but, i am not alone. not by a long shot. not by a mile. maybe that's what i learned this month. i learned that it's okay to reach out and ask for help. i learned that my family is wide and diverse. and, i learned that i can still trust and take chances.

i may be a bit dinged up and weary, but no, i am not broken or alone.

first comes love, then comes running mascara....

i've been charging through life for the past month like a tsunami of positivity.

but, faking it till you make it is freaking exhausting.

love sucks. it sucks like nothing else. absolutely nothing can rock your world and rip you apart like having your trust and best efforts thrown from a car window at eighty miles an hour.

so. in the middle of my most recent tidal wave of grief, i stopped and decided to turn it into art. it was a lovely distraction from feeling the pain.

first comes love, then comes running mascara.

you're a good woman...

if anyone but the dude says these words to me, i feel like i'm in a really bad country song. but, when he says it, or texts it, i feel all grown up and solid and... accomplished.

i've been away for a while because i've been hurting. shortly after my last blog post, the dude and i broke up. the dude, as i refer to him, is a lovely man that i met in january last year. we had a wonderful year full of road trips and tacos and football games and... and... i could go on and on about how absolutely wonderful he is and how well he treated me. let's just say, i was the happiest redhead you'd ever met. it didn't mean a hoot to me where he took me or what he gave me. he gave me himself and his love one-hundred percent and i was thankful for that every day.

but, all relationships have their bumps and we hit ours at, conveniently enough, just about the one year mark. we didn't survive.

i'm admittedly not handling it well, even after a pretty crappy track record. after a difficult divorce, i fell into a relationship with someone who was bipolar and that was incredibly hard to leave behind. eventually, i met the canadian and fell head over heels for him. after a good long effort of trying to regain his attention, i finally accepted the truth and we are now friends.

then came the dude.

after all of the previous relationships that i've had, i've been pretty resilient about dating at their end. even after the canadian, i got out there in the interwebs and started conversations almost immediately. no regrets, move on... it's been almost an unconscious drive. this is not the same.

i've been unusually reclusive and i spend a lot of time standing in the middle of my apartment forgetting what i was just doing. i did get a wonderful companion, jack white--the fluffiest kitty ever, and i have finally begun to accept my friends requests to go out. but, the thought of even talking to another man makes me queasy and not in school girl nervous kind of way.

our breakup happened rather quickly and i didn't honestly see it coming. i was insanely happy one day and the next trying desperately not to fall apart at my desk--in a new job.

though i like to believe i'm a real pick-myself-up-by-my-bootstraps girl, it has been close to two months and i still cry at some point nearly every day. it's pretty ridiculous and pathetic. i'm angry with myself about that.

i recently saw the dude for the first time since we broke up, and as always around him, my mind went blank and i just smiled. somehow, his presence just gives my crazy little world a little extra sparkle.

of course, i can go on without him. of course, i will. but, the truth is, i simply can't see the bootstraps through my tears right now. i know that they are there and for now, i'm hanging on to that.

in the meantime, i keep reminding myself that i am a good woman who is momentarily trapped in a bad country song.