no regrets...

no regrets. absolutely. put it on my headstone, i've lived the dream of my beliefs.

but if i die today, that absolutely is no longer true.

several years ago, i ran into a friend from high school and after talking for a while, she asked, "what happened to you?"

"what do you mean?" i asked.

"you used to take risks and go places... places the rest of us were afraid to go," she said. "you had the balls in the group--no fear. what happened?"

i was shocked. me? what balls?

"i'm terrified of everything," i laughed. "who the hell do you think you're talking to?"

and then she reminded me. she reminded of the stunts i pulled in high school--lots of them that i'd conveniently forgotten. i vaguely remembered this person, but it'd been a long, long time since i took a single risk.

a few years after this conversation, i took a huge risk. i turned my back on everything and struck out on my own.

now this little stunt has had varying degrees of success, but the one thing that has been consistent, has been my growth. i've learned so much about myself, tried new things and popped out a lot of dents. i've worked really, really hard and i'm very proud of who i am today.

i've never forgotten what my friend said to me, and early in this new adventure, i developed a mantra of no regrets. i would do my best and i would live with the consequences whatever they may be, good or bad.

no regrets. those little words are huge. on more than one occasion, i have recited them to give myself strength. i have thanked my conviction for the positive outcomes, and sometimes, i have grit my teeth and chanted those words through tears.

mostly, i've thought things through, sometimes i've gone by instinct, but rarely have i been rash.

so, this is a first. the first time that i can honestly say i truly regret something that i've done. if i could go back in time, i'd do it differently. that was not who i am. i want a redo, but life seems to be fresh out of them this month.

so, here i am in my new life, one that was no easy task to build and one that is not finished by any means. it's full of many wonderful people and experiences and lessons... and now, it also has regret. the only thing i can do is accept it, accept the lesson, regardless of how bitter it may be.

so, i'll look both ways before i cross, and take my risks as they come.
no regrets, my friends. no regrets, save one.