mahem in the month of may...

the last time i posted, i thought my life was crazy. HA! the universe seems to have some ridiculous sense of humour because apparently i did not have the slightest clue how nutso things could be.

and, i will think twice before i dare sing "oh, woe is me" ever again. HA!

let me merely say that the month of may involved my mom being rushed to the hospital, disturbing things people do to themselves, more disturbing things people do to people that they care about, a near breaking point number of commitments, fabulous opportunities, and the most unexpected and wonderful person bringing on one of the darkest nights, and at the same time, being the coup de ville at the bottom of a cracker jack box. oh yeah, that's a meat loaf reference. you read that right.

you just never know what a day will bring.

so here i am at the end of the month reflecting on what i've learned, digging myself out from under a heap of photos and catching up on missed sleep.

i think a little more distance will give me clarity. but, i know that i am a very strong woman with a very high tolerance for many things. however, i did find my breaking point this month and even when i was absolutely sure i was going to turn into one of those people you hear about on the morning news, i managed to keep my extreme emotions as in control as anyone could ask.

and, i turned to my friends. i gave myself the okay to call in favours, beg for shoulders to cry on and hands to hold. you know what? they were there. every single, magnificent one of them was there.

how lucky am i? how insanely and spectacularly lucky am i?!? i have the best friends a person could ever ask for and i appreciate them. i will certainly never forget the impromptu calls for company, late evening rants, the hugs and gentle nudges. i hope that when they need me, i will be as much a support for them as they have been for me. i know that i will do my best.

i occasionally find myself awake in the early morning hours wondering if maybe i've made too many mistakes. i've never had children, i've divorced and i have little family and a strained relationship at best with my mother. in the early morning hours, i hear her voice asking me what am i going to do without anyone to take care of me? and then, i feel horribly broken and alone.

but, i am not alone. not by a long shot. not by a mile. maybe that's what i learned this month. i learned that it's okay to reach out and ask for help. i learned that my family is wide and diverse. and, i learned that i can still trust and take chances.

i may be a bit dinged up and weary, but no, i am not broken or alone.

first comes love, then comes running mascara....

i've been charging through life for the past month like a tsunami of positivity.

but, faking it till you make it is freaking exhausting.

love sucks. it sucks like nothing else. absolutely nothing can rock your world and rip you apart like having your trust and best efforts thrown from a car window at eighty miles an hour.

so. in the middle of my most recent tidal wave of grief, i stopped and decided to turn it into art. it was a lovely distraction from feeling the pain.

first comes love, then comes running mascara.

you're a good woman...

if anyone but the dude says these words to me, i feel like i'm in a really bad country song. but, when he says it, or texts it, i feel all grown up and solid and... accomplished.

i've been away for a while because i've been hurting. shortly after my last blog post, the dude and i broke up. the dude, as i refer to him, is a lovely man that i met in january last year. we had a wonderful year full of road trips and tacos and football games and... and... i could go on and on about how absolutely wonderful he is and how well he treated me. let's just say, i was the happiest redhead you'd ever met. it didn't mean a hoot to me where he took me or what he gave me. he gave me himself and his love one-hundred percent and i was thankful for that every day.

but, all relationships have their bumps and we hit ours at, conveniently enough, just about the one year mark. we didn't survive.

i'm admittedly not handling it well, even after a pretty crappy track record. after a difficult divorce, i fell into a relationship with someone who was bipolar and that was incredibly hard to leave behind. eventually, i met the canadian and fell head over heels for him. after a good long effort of trying to regain his attention, i finally accepted the truth and we are now friends.

then came the dude.

after all of the previous relationships that i've had, i've been pretty resilient about dating at their end. even after the canadian, i got out there in the interwebs and started conversations almost immediately. no regrets, move on... it's been almost an unconscious drive. this is not the same.

i've been unusually reclusive and i spend a lot of time standing in the middle of my apartment forgetting what i was just doing. i did get a wonderful companion, jack white--the fluffiest kitty ever, and i have finally begun to accept my friends requests to go out. but, the thought of even talking to another man makes me queasy and not in school girl nervous kind of way.

our breakup happened rather quickly and i didn't honestly see it coming. i was insanely happy one day and the next trying desperately not to fall apart at my desk--in a new job.

though i like to believe i'm a real pick-myself-up-by-my-bootstraps girl, it has been close to two months and i still cry at some point nearly every day. it's pretty ridiculous and pathetic. i'm angry with myself about that.

i recently saw the dude for the first time since we broke up, and as always around him, my mind went blank and i just smiled. somehow, his presence just gives my crazy little world a little extra sparkle.

of course, i can go on without him. of course, i will. but, the truth is, i simply can't see the bootstraps through my tears right now. i know that they are there and for now, i'm hanging on to that.

in the meantime, i keep reminding myself that i am a good woman who is momentarily trapped in a bad country song.

learning to walk...

for the past three years, i have preached at the top of my lungs, to anyone who would listen--how can i walk alongside someone if i cannot walk alone.

i've quoted and lived by the words of great women who were independent thinkers, feminists, rule breakers--women i respect. their words offered me strength through overwhelming self-doubt.

but, what do you do when you've accomplished a goal? what do you do after you've reached the peak of mount everest? faced your greatest fear? become comfortable in and accepting of your skin?

i believe you can continue to grow-it never has to end. it's not necessary to carry the torch of one word, the one point, and never grow beyond it. there is something else just beyond... we are the sum of our parts, our experiences, and we are beautiful for it.

i've looked in the mirror and looked my fears directly in the eye. i am stronger than they are. i am more than doubt, more than desire, more than independence, more than hope. through the extremes of my heart, i've found the comfort of my soul.

i said, how can i walk alongside someone if i cannot walk alone.

today, i realized, i am ready.

dancing to maw'ood...

it's winter intensive time. four weeks of two hour sessions in which we are utterly submerged in that little activity we call belly dancing.

before we get our shimmy on, we learn about the music. this piece is a wing dinger. we are dancing to a short, modern section of maw'ood. the original piece isn't for wimps. it's nearly an hour long.

the beauty of the old classics is that they are like symphonies with movements and themes and stories and orchestras. they are meant to transport the audience, to be experiences. these are not three minute, three note wonders. these are bloody intense.

the catch is that they are mostly tragic-real grab your heart and twist it till you pass out from the sadness types.

maw'ood will not disappoint. it's brilliant and beautiful, but horribly sad. here is a link to the lyrics. the short version? i have a crappy track record at love, i'll never be happy, it always ends in crushing devastation, but my heart is optimistic and wants me to try again, i resist, it keeps up the hope, i give in, i meet someone, things start nice, things are awesome.

"the moon rose
and fear withdrew
the wind became warm
and the night listened."

pose and bow. that last little bit is something of ecstasy. that is the dancers version, nice and tidy, wrapped up with proper flourishes for spins and accents. lovely for the stage.

but, that's not how it really ends. that's the saccharine version. the real 55 minute version continues with all of its orchestral and vocal richness.

in the song... she leaves. of course she does. he's crushed. CRUSHED. this is not harry met sally and there is no happy ending. over and over, love sucks the life out of our singer, but he goes back again and again.

this last weekend, i studied the lyrics and listened to the entire long piece a couple of times. i empathized with the song a little too well.

tonight, my teacher, my mentor, performed the choreography we are just beginning to learn to the short tidy dancers' version. she danced beautifully with all the feeling and intensity this song deserves.

i cried. love is hard. it takes incredible guts to try again after failure.

i cried. not only because my teacher is a lovely dancer, but also because i knew that when the song ended, the singer and the dancer would be in the throws of love and ecstasy.

i cried because it would end too soon.

the universe is going to help you, so tighten your seat belt...

this past few months, i've watched my closest friends have drastic things happen in their lives to put them on the direct road to their dreams--from leaving the country, to divorces and rough break-ups, to new careers and business openings.

prior to most of these dream-reaching moments a very painful event has been the catalyst. i've seen the proverbial rugs ripped from under the feet of my friends thus freeing them to pursue their deepest, truest dreams.

amazing.

i'm so happy for each one as every day i watch another friend succeed.

i have learned from watching this that, whatever power it is in this universe you subscribe to, at some point, it has absolutely no problem drop kicking your ass in the direction you need to go.

tighten your seat belt, throw up your hands, and enjoy the ride!

happy thanksgiving...

wishing you all a lovely thanksgiving.

i'm thankful for you, my friends and family, and all the opportunities that i've had this year!